If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
