I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
