so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Everyone says I win the strip club
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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