What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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