We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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