can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize