Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
