Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg šš
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
āOn a breakā is implied when itās a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Yeah but now he has a wife. Itās going to be different this year
So what. Weāve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand itās a holiday tradition
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