Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
