I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
