I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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