Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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