Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize