Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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