turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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