Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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