That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
