I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
