girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
