he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
