I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Randomize
