Pappa wants mamma naked
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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