..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
