I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
