Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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