I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
3pm strippers are depressing
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
