I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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