My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
