I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
