Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Boobs speak an international language.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
