peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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