mondays should just be called national damage control day
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
