At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
