God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
