her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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