I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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