she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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