Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
this is an emotional support booty call
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
