Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
