pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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