I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
