My friends, they love my intelligence
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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