My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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