This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
