I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
