So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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