My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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