Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
