My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
