I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
