There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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