If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
