omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
