i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize