if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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