i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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