i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
