I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
