at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
