when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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